Monday, March 14, 2011

1 Year

It's been a year on the ice with short track skating. I got to be on the ice a total of 21 times for Long Track. And I am pretty happy with the beginnings. My goal was to get technically a little better every time I stepped on the ice and to get stronger off ice so that this next year I could really train hard. I achieved that goal.
Not to be called a rookie anymore. Bill is a man that speed skates at Flushing Meadow Speed Skating Club, ran around calling me instant speed skater,( like instant rice ) wanted to know what isle in the grocery store he could buy it. Bill said to me the other day, that title isn't yours anymore Jacki, but you held it for a long time!
So in other words, move on to the next level.

I was told that in a Speed Skating grid I would be a little more than half way up the chart. But to get to that next level is a lot of work and very few make it.
The really cool thing that has happened around my family is that everyone is excited about this sport and everyone is encouraging and supportive.
Now that's one of those "priceless" things that happen!

I am excited about the work. The technique stuff has been killing me this year. So being able to apply what I have learned to some strong power workouts is just making me happy.

After I came home from Canada (Master Worlds) I have been truly able to see some hope in this adventure. I went to Canada with a little bit of a down heart I had an injury that was preventing me from applying all my strength into the skating and I was favoring my right side a bunch. I didn't do much skating for 3 weeks before we went. And I was hurting because it was coasting so much, and my family has not been able to see me skate Long Track yet. And I have been fighting off feelings from a place so long forgotten, or should I say shoved in a closet!

Now I need to also go back to the 20yr old that quit skating so long ago give her a hug and start moving my skating into a new level.
That 20yr old was filled with so much guilt over taking time away from my family.
Taking so much money away from my family.
Taking my mom away from my sister and brother.
Taking all the attention of the family.
All family focus was on everything I was doing, saying, feeling, eating and planing on doing.
If I had a bad day skating, the family had a bad day.
If it was a good day skating or competing, the family celebrated, and all was good.
And of course we had lots of walking on egg days because they were days of just training.
The inbetween days to prepare for the upcoming season. The day's when they would all look at me and say, what do you think Jacki? How do you feel your doing? Like I KNEW WHAT WAS NEXT?!

One thing I have learned is this...I don't want to be mean to myself any more. I want to be nice and do whats good for me. I want to learn to feed myself with good fun things that help me become the best I was created to be. I want to be able to dare, desire and achieve dreams. I want to create a new me. One that lives and breaths and eats greatness. So I can become what I really see myself as.. And that is a World Class Champion Skater. Ageless and Limitless, with no chains holding me down!

I've held on to this post afraid to hit the send button for 3 months. So here goes!!!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Nicer to Myself

Some times in life we meet unexpected challenges and this trip to Master Worlds in Canada will be one of those times

The only thing I can tell you is this. I know I am a very competitive person and I have always gone to compete in any competition,
In “ready” mode. And I can tell you this, I am so far from ready to compete I can hardly walk correctly and forget the stamina thing. I haven’t done cardio at all in a month.

This is what I have been telling myself, and so far it’s helped a lot!

1st. This is going to be fun for me, I am going to learn something from this about myself and I am going to learn from those around me.

2nd. I have always liked going to events to watch before, so this time I get to watch with practice too!

3rd. I AM going to compete giving everything I have, (listen to this this is IMPORTANT! )Because I have done everything that I could have done at this moment in my life to be ready for this event!

I haven’t done it the way I wanted to do it, but I have challenged myself everyday to do something out of my comfort zone.
And to move myself forward and not give in OR give up in the situation I have been dealt!

4th. No shoulda, coulda or woulda’s. I am doing something I love, Something that makes me feel good about myself, Something that a lot of people would give anything to
be able to do. I will give everything I have at this moment. AND THAT’S ALL THAT IS IMPORTANT.

When I look back at things I have done in my life, the only things that make me sad are the memories of the stuff I didn’t give my all on.
I am not going to beat myself up over this event I have been working hard from a different angle in life. Isn’t that what competing is about, working all obstacles!

Saturday, February 5, 2011


So now I feel like I am starting all over.
My skating has gone down hill.
My times are bad.
I don't feel like I can pick up my feet when I skate.
The question is...Do I still love it? YES!
So try again, even if it means starting over I'll do it again and again.

I have to still get the skates/blades I am to settle into.
To really feel how they work.
I had to return the boots I was using. Now I have a temp pair I will use for inline training.
I got them very tight, because they will stretch out. The question is will they stretch out in time for me to skate long track at the end of this month? I am expecting a lot from me and my equipment when I don't get much time on them. I will be putting them on for the first time this weekend at a race. ( That seems to be when and where I get to do any of my Long track skating)
Kind of makes me wonder how much better I would be getting if I could skate on that ice everyday or 3 times a week for now.
I still only get 2 days a week short track ice and that is it!! That will all change soon enough, because I feel like I am ready to put the "real" time into it. In the beginning I was training to get into training shape. Well I feel like I could do it now....
That is before I got this back injury and now strep throat on top of the injury. GRRRRR!

So the blades I got are a entire inch longer than what I was skating on and they are a taller blade.
I will be testing out the length of them this weekend and if I like them I will get my own pair in Canada at the end of this month. If I don't like the length, will get a half inch shorter blade to try out at that event.
One day at a time! One day at a time!

I was telling my son the other day the coach we have at our short track practice (is great!) only really helps you if he see's you putting your all into it (very fair, I think) well the point is he hasn't called out my name in two weeks....not good. I watched my little son work his butt off at the last practice, I mean real work. when he got off the ice his face was purple and his eyes were red. I went over to him and said well done lil man, I am very proud of you! He looked up at me and said, Mom, I have never worked so hard in my life! I worked so hard I cried while I was pushing through the pain. I can't believe I did it!
I sat and looked at him and realized he was teaching me a lesson.. That every time no matter if it's a good skate or a bad skate, just push it to your fullest and you'll be able to say I DID IT!!
That's the biggest victory ever!
As I do whatever workout I can do now, I will do it to my fullest, and I won't quit! I might need a push here and again. But I will see my little boy's purple face in front of me saying I DID IT!!!

Sunday, January 16, 2011



Ok it's now time to start a diet!
I have had to watch what I eat for the past year. To me watching what I eat means looking at the food and being aware of what I am putting in my body. For 13 years I haven't really given much thought to what I am eating. It was one of my ways to "heal" from the eating disorder I developed. Not to make the food a "god" in my life and not to think about it.

I don't think I can truthfully say I never thought about food, but I can say I started to listen to what my body would want to eat and feed it that. Slowly I would cut down on the amount and soon I would be able to say no.

Getting my body to trust me again has been a real challenge to say the least.

So when I started this journey I have been spear headed by a lot of eating challenges. First my eating picked up so much my mouth hurt from chewing. Then I started 'Watching" what I ate and the groaning was loud. I tried to write it down some, and that back fired on me big time!
I wasn't ready for that at the time. And I ate out of control for a few days until I realized I could put down the pen and paper! lol

But really getting myself to eat 3 to 4 times a day was my goal. To eat when I was hungry and know when my body needed the food and hear when I was needing that extra bit of food for something I was doing.

I haven't really denied myself anything to eat yet and that's what I must start to do now.
I need to lose weight in a healthy way and I need to feed my body enough of the correct foods that it doesn't go into survival mode on me to much.

See it does that a lot, survival mode is when it thinks I am going to starve it in any way. When I started picking up skating it went nuts. I was back to baby steps, starting from scratch with how kind I had to be to myself. It is so hard to explain and as I start to journal about this issue maybe my words will become clearer for even me to understand me.

I still need to learn a lot about skating and technique.
But now I know that for me to start to help with putting up fast times I need to stop pulling the weight I have on me. The good part about this is I can look at it like I have a weight vest on and I am taking off a little ounce at a time.

I am 5 '7 My weight is now 145 and I feel I can get to a healthy 123 for this type of training I need. I will not put myself in any kind of jeopardy of any kind. And if the weight stops coming off at any point and I am following the eating patterns that will be kind to me. I will stay at that point and not abuse myself in any way to take it off or think I NEED to get it off.

This stuff I am saying is sounding random but it is very powerful for and to me.
This post is the hardest for me to hit the post button on!

Thursday, January 13, 2011


First week of practice after the Long track event went well. I learned more this week because I was open and ready to let it hurt. I can say that I did everything I could do, to the very best of my ability today.
So I have prepared for tomorrow today, to achieve greater ability tomorrow then today.

I don't know if that make any sense to anyone but it does to me.
My sister told me that the jacki that is to happen in 3 years is not here yet, so I need to be nicer to this jacki and help create the jacki that is to come.

And WOW I can't wait to meet that JACKI!

Monday, January 10, 2011

What is a Champion?

An idea is always easy.
Getting a start plan get's your feet moving.
Getting things moving is exciting.
As you get going the mess begins....

This is so much harder then I thought. I thought sure I am a skater, how hard could it be just to skate fast and not do ANY jumps or spins. All I have to do is stroke and crossover in one direction.

WRONG!! This sport is so much more technical, so precise, so much more challenging than I ever thought. Sure I could come in and muscle and plow my way in. And that would only let me get so far, because a wall will be hit. But the hard part is learning the movement of the rhythm with the precision of the power. This sport is a well tuned and crafted creation. The feeling your able to experience is so dynamic it's really not possible to place in words. All I can say is that it challenges everything we are created to be, it makes us so aware of the greatness our bodies were made to be able to achieve. And allows us the time to stay suspended in that moment of awe for brief minutes.

With all that said I am still at the crawling stage of this journey. It is time for me to learn how to walk I have felt that need to get up and run and I am ready for falls along the way now. And falls I will take, and today I say I am ready to take them.

Someone said to me this weekend, If only I met you 20 years ago you could really go someplace in this sport. And I said don't look at me like twenty years to old, look at me like I am in that place right now. Because when I place my face close to that ice I don't feel my age at all! I am 20 in that moment and my body doesn't feel my age or understand it, it just has this desire to learn how to go faster.

And who knows maybe Geritol and Depends Undergarments will see me as a source of advertisement for the "more interesting in age" generation!


I haven't written in this journal for a time because I have been battling with this incredible sense of failure over coming out of the closet with this dream I have. I have been feeling like a crazy lady for even thinking this and I have gone into, it really doesn't matter mode. I have been battling the "inner competitor" in me for the last few months.Not knowing if I could or wanted to feel that feeling again. I took a fall rollerblading and it put some fear in me about getting hurt physically, and I pulled back. I have been afraid to step out of my comfort zone and challenge myself to the point of losing control of my steps and getting injured or not having that feeling of "protection" surrounding me.

Well this weekend changed everything for me. I have learned a lot about myself and about others.I watched the competitive drive of people my age and seen them overcome so many challenges and road blocks of there own. Some have achieved the best they are going to be. But all are daring to become it! That statement of to bad not 20 years ago was like a wake up call and my entire body went WHY NOT NOW!!! WAKE UP!!! GET MOVING!!! HARDER!!!

So my question was, what is a champion?

Well I feel a "Champion" is one that I will be when I finish this journey that I am on. A "Champion" is made from the everyday moment to moment living, training, the ups the downs and the "story" you have when you have completed the journey you began!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

First short track competition

Well I just finished my first competition and I was a good master Old Lady. My Daughter took some video of it and I am horrified. I am slow and scared looking out on that ice. This has to stop I have to stop skating scared and whining about how I don't understand what I am doing. Because that's exactly what I have produced!!!
If I want change then i must attack change square in the face! The only way to make that happen is to pick it up go faster and get out of the way of progress. In other words, get my ass moving! FAST!
I have all my family believing in this that I can do this and I can't believe how bad I look doing it!
So back to the drawing board of reality!
These steps need to be recorded for me to see feel and hear. No more hiding behind being unsure and thinking I am any good at this. Because the truth of the matter is I am soooo bad and slow compared to the place I want to be. That place that I want to be is very far from my reach right now. But that is all changing in the typing of this ...
Things are changing this minute. Thanks for the wake up call God!!