Diet

Grrrrrr!

Ok it's now time to start a diet!
I have had to watch what I eat for the past year. To me watching what I eat means looking at the food and being aware of what I am putting in my body. For 13 years I haven't really given much thought to what I am eating. It was one of my ways to "heal" from the eating disorder I developed. Not to make the food a "god" in my life and not to think about it.

I don't think I can truthfully say I never thought about food, but I can say I started to listen to what my body would want to eat and feed it that. Slowly I would cut down on the amount and soon I would be able to say no.

Getting my body to trust me again has been a real challenge to say the least.

So when I started this journey I have been spear headed by a lot of eating challenges. First my eating picked up so much my mouth hurt from chewing. Then I started 'Watching" what I ate and the groaning was loud. I tried to write it down some, and that back fired on me big time!
I wasn't ready for that at the time. And I ate out of control for a few days until I realized I could put down the pen and paper! lol

But really getting myself to eat 3 to 4 times a day was my goal. To eat when I was hungry and know when my body needed the food and hear when I was needing that extra bit of food for something I was doing.

I haven't really denied myself anything to eat yet and that's what I must start to do now.
I need to lose weight in a healthy way and I need to feed my body enough of the correct foods that it doesn't go into survival mode on me to much.

See it does that a lot, survival mode is when it thinks I am going to starve it in any way. When I started picking up skating it went nuts. I was back to baby steps, starting from scratch with how kind I had to be to myself. It is so hard to explain and as I start to journal about this issue maybe my words will become clearer for even me to understand me.

I still need to learn a lot about skating and technique.
But now I know that for me to start to help with putting up fast times I need to stop pulling the weight I have on me. The good part about this is I can look at it like I have a weight vest on and I am taking off a little ounce at a time.

I am 5 '7 My weight is now 145 and I feel I can get to a healthy 123 for this type of training I need. I will not put myself in any kind of jeopardy of any kind. And if the weight stops coming off at any point and I am following the eating patterns that will be kind to me. I will stay at that point and not abuse myself in any way to take it off or think I NEED to get it off.

This stuff I am saying is sounding random but it is very powerful for and to me.
This post is the hardest for me to hit the post button on!

WOW

First week of practice after the Long track event went well. I learned more this week because I was open and ready to let it hurt. I can say that I did everything I could do, to the very best of my ability today.
So I have prepared for tomorrow today, to achieve greater ability tomorrow then today.

I don't know if that make any sense to anyone but it does to me.
My sister told me that the jacki that is to happen in 3 years is not here yet, so I need to be nicer to this jacki and help create the jacki that is to come.

And WOW I can't wait to meet that JACKI!

What is a Champion?

An idea is always easy.
Getting a start plan get's your feet moving.
Getting things moving is exciting.
As you get going the mess begins....

This is so much harder then I thought. I thought sure I am a skater, how hard could it be just to skate fast and not do ANY jumps or spins. All I have to do is stroke and crossover in one direction.

WRONG!! This sport is so much more technical, so precise, so much more challenging than I ever thought. Sure I could come in and muscle and plow my way in. And that would only let me get so far, because a wall will be hit. But the hard part is learning the movement of the rhythm with the precision of the power. This sport is a well tuned and crafted creation. The feeling your able to experience is so dynamic it's really not possible to place in words. All I can say is that it challenges everything we are created to be, it makes us so aware of the greatness our bodies were made to be able to achieve. And allows us the time to stay suspended in that moment of awe for brief minutes.

With all that said I am still at the crawling stage of this journey. It is time for me to learn how to walk I have felt that need to get up and run and I am ready for falls along the way now. And falls I will take, and today I say I am ready to take them.

Someone said to me this weekend, If only I met you 20 years ago you could really go someplace in this sport. And I said don't look at me like twenty years to old, look at me like I am in that place right now. Because when I place my face close to that ice I don't feel my age at all! I am 20 in that moment and my body doesn't feel my age or understand it, it just has this desire to learn how to go faster.

And who knows maybe Geritol and Depends Undergarments will see me as a source of advertisement for the "more interesting in age" generation!

ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE IF YOU BELIEVE!

I haven't written in this journal for a time because I have been battling with this incredible sense of failure over coming out of the closet with this dream I have. I have been feeling like a crazy lady for even thinking this and I have gone into, it really doesn't matter mode. I have been battling the "inner competitor" in me for the last few months.Not knowing if I could or wanted to feel that feeling again. I took a fall rollerblading and it put some fear in me about getting hurt physically, and I pulled back. I have been afraid to step out of my comfort zone and challenge myself to the point of losing control of my steps and getting injured or not having that feeling of "protection" surrounding me.

Well this weekend changed everything for me. I have learned a lot about myself and about others.I watched the competitive drive of people my age and seen them overcome so many challenges and road blocks of there own. Some have achieved the best they are going to be. But all are daring to become it! That statement of to bad not 20 years ago was like a wake up call and my entire body went WHY NOT NOW!!! WAKE UP!!! GET MOVING!!! HARDER!!!

So my question was, what is a champion?

Well I feel a "Champion" is one that I will be when I finish this journey that I am on. A "Champion" is made from the everyday moment to moment living, training, the ups the downs and the "story" you have when you have completed the journey you began!